Bill's Hyperbolic Music Reviews #8: Caspar Brötzmann Massaker- Home

Holy shit, how have I not reviewed this album yet? Caspar Brötzmann Massaker is led by (surprise, surprise) Caspar Brötzmann, son of German free-improvising saxophonist Peter Brötzmann (whose music is legendary in free jazz circles) and one hell of a guitar player in his own right. Actually, "playing" the guitar is really much too simplistic a term to describe what Caspar does, but I just tried to describe what, in fact, he does, and failed abjectly, so maybe it's time to move on to the album.

Home, released in 1995, actually features no new CBM material, but focuses exclusively on material from the ensemble's first two albums, because those were never released outside of Europe, and one of them sounds like it was recorded in a barn with blankets over the microphones, so a rerecording/reissue was pretty much a necessity. Plus, even though this isn't free-improvised music, the compositions are pretty flexible, so it's not a stale retread, AND, these versions are way fucking better, particularly the epic, 15-minute version of the band's theme song (well, in my mind, anyway) "Massaker". The original version, with the weak-ass fusiony drummer that Caspar used to have in his band, was slower, and had a vague swing feel that did NOT jibe with how intense the song was clearly supposed to be. This one, however, has Caspar's second and best drummer, Danny Arnold Lommen, pounding the SHIT outta that 10/4 ostinato, as bassist Eduardo Delgado-Lopez plays one dissonant chord in time with his bass drum hits (which he spends most of CBM's records doing, actually, as busy bass parts would've made these songs sound like muddy shit) and Caspar melts faces with a fiery solo. Then, things calm down for a minute as he intones some spooky lyrics in a comically German accent, but a second firestorm is quickly ushered in with a 32nd-note pattern from Lommen that returns the band to the original bit that I just realized is a little bit like the ostinato in Holst's "Mars". Anyway, it's awesome, and the pattern I just described is basically what all these songs do. Lommen repeats a lopsided but powerful-as-all-hell drumbeat, Delgado-Lopez strums atonal bass chords with intense, single-minded dedication, and Brötzmann adds a thick layer of other atonal chords that generally become lengthy, jammy, avant-Hendrix solos, and sometimes some creepy-ass vocals. Then, they play another pattern or two, and either end on some sort of coda, or go back to the original pattern at, somehow, twice the intensity. It sounds boring, especially when I tell you that every song on here is at least nearly seven minutes long, but if you pay close attention, it is seriously riveting.

This album, and most of Caspar's others, should appeal to people who can appreciate noise-rock, hard rock, metal, free jazz, and huge slabs of concrete being pressed together into a dense mass of genres and huge slabs of concrete that could give you a concussion.

I give it a 400.

Cameron's Record Reviews #1: Hypermagic Mountain by Lightning Bolt

Band: Lightning Bolt

Album: Hypermagic Mountain
Released: October 18, 2005 on Load Records
Tracks: 12

Holy sweet goddamn this album will wreck you. Have you ever fallen into a machine which was constructed out of several hundred tons of disassembled mining equipment and built by a sadistic mad scientist? Yeah, well, pretty much the same thing.

The album starts out with what sounds like the last two seconds of a song, followed by a banjo-string-on-an-electric-bass solo, followed by a swift kick to the teeth.

Alright, that's not true, the first track, "2Morrow Morrow Land" isn't a high point, but it certainly does nothing to ease you into the album; It says in a maniacal shout, "IT'S BEGUN." Well, a maniacal shout into a telephone receiver which is then run though distortion and echo. But you know.

Lightning Bolt then hands us three of the hardest-hitting noise rock jams ever created. If they did this by the ocean, they would wake Cthulhu. "Captain Caveman," "Birdy," and "Riff Wraiths" feel like punches to the face. That's really what makes this album so goddamned fantastic - you don't hear a whole lot, but you feel it for sure. Every bass note that goes through the speakers feels like a your heart is bursting out of your chest, all the frantic drumming feels like you're caught naked in a hailstorm.

It's fucking relentless. You get a minute-long break at the beginning of of "Mega Ghost" with some ethereal vocals, but this is mercilessly shattered by the crash of cymbals and the crack of snare, and from there it's a long 40 minutes until "Infinity Farm."

This album is long, noisy, exhausting, and fucking incredible.

Favorite Tracks: "Captain Caveman," "Birdy," "Mega Ghost"

Bill's Hyperbolic Music Reviews #7: Ex Models- Zoo Psychology

Well, I was going to review renowned amateur music critic Mark Prindle's new greatest-hits package My Wife Left Me Because These Songs Are Terrible (which is terrific, by the way, and you should order it from Amazon right now) this week, but then I found out about this band, and downloaded this album, and hooo boy did I immediately love it! Imagine the Contortions without a sax player, or Arab on Radar with odd time signatures, or Cancer-era My Disco with Gang of Four's Andy Gill on guitar, or... well, I could go on, and make sure that you all know about all the different bands that I've heard of, but I'm not writing for Pitchfork just yet!

Speaking of which, I was on there today because I am, as much as I deride the culture, definitely a colossal fucking hipster, and I was reading their Stereolab reviews, when I stumbled across one by my old nemesis, Brent DiCrescenzo. Thankfully, this utter fucking douche hasn't written any reviews for them since like '03, but they haven't hosed off the shitstink of his reviews from the site yet, so there's reason yet for me to hold a grudge! Anyway, I hate that tool with a passion. Motherfucker wrote this review and still had the gall to blast Joan of Arc for being pretentious (which they are, admittedly, but that doesn't mean he's not a hypocrite!) (also, just to clarify, I'm talking about the band, not the historical figure). Also, with regards to his Stereolab reviews, he gave Cobra & Phases a 3.4, which is inexcusable, and then wrote one of his bullshit "concept reviews" about it, which is more inexcusable, possibly on par with the Armenian genocide.

Anyway, sorry, that whole paragraph, links and everything, was a typo. What I meant to say is, imagine the Contortions without a sax player, or Arab on Radar with odd time signatures, or Cancer-era My Disco with Gang of Four's Andy Gill on guitar, and you're pretty close to getting an idea of what Ex Models sound like on Zoo Psychology, but that still doesn't paint the full picture. The vocals are pained, unintelligible castrato yelps, the dual guitars sound like they're strung with barbed wire, the bass is slippy-slidy goodtime free-funk, and the drums would be cavemanish if these songs weren't full of bizarre time changes and displaced accents. The songs are all very short (15 tracks, 20 minutes)- pop structure without the repetition, like Wire on Pink Flag- and at coke-addled tempos (which could refer to either the caffeinated soda or its nasally-ingested former ingredient) so everything sort of zooms by on first listen, but if you actively listen, you'll notice how well put together everything is. That's another thing- the band is ridiculously tight. Even a song like "Hott 4 Discourse", which has a rhythm reminiscent of shoes tumbling in a dryer, never falls apart.

Basically, this is a delightful adrenaline rush of shouty post-post-punk for the ADHD set. There's no real downside except for a couple of lo-fi filler tracks, but even those are pretty funny (one ends with a bandmember saying, "This is why we're not getting anything done!), and, again, everything goes by quickly. If you like the sort of music I've described in the above sentences, this is about as good as it gets. And if you're not, go fuck yourself.

Bill's Hyperbolic Music Reviews #6- Jesu- Opiate Sun EP

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